PALM BEACH — Thin-skinned Donald Trump has devised a 25-question survey just a month into his fake presidency that sounds like something straight out of an insecure middle-schooler’s dream about getting back at the bully who doesn’t like her.
Unfortunately, that middle-school girl is your president, and the “bully” is the media.
Trump’s “Media Accountability Survey,” which popped up hours after the president’s abysmal performance at his press conference Thursday, is so biased, awkward and confusingly-worded that it’s bound to prove that people are still on his side.
And it’s followed up with a request for a campaign donation. Of course.
ONE MONTH into his reign.
Take the survey yourself if you like.
It’s right here.
The questions, which sound like Trump wrote them himself with his usual second-grade words, are in bold. The answers are ours, and we believe they’d reflect the beliefs of any reasonable American:
1. Do you believe that the mainstream media has reported unfairly on our movement?
No. I believe the mainstream media gave you too much airtime in the beginning, and they’ve been very generous in taking your brand of leadership seriously.
2. Do you trust MSNBC to report fairly on Trump’s presidency?
Yes. Well, they’re pretty far to the left, so I actually don’t. But I just imagined Trump getting a bunch of surveys back saying people trust MSNBC, and how much that would pull his pigtails! So I wrote yes.
3. Do you trust CNN to report fairly on Trump’s presidency?
Yes. CNN is pretty middle of the road, not the most hard hitting, but professional. Sorta like Barack Obama‘s presidency.
4. Do you trust Fox News to report fairly on Trump’s presidency?
Come on. I wouldn’t trust Fox News to report on my son’s birthday party. Unless, of course, one their blondes did it in a teeny bikini.
5. On which issues does the mainstream media do the worst job of representing Republicans? (Select as many that apply.)
Second Amendment rights
The question is so loaded, so let’s just briefly cover the incontrovertible facts. On immigration, since your administration just floated a memo about deputizing the National Guard to round up immigrants. On economics, you wanted fast-food exec Andrew Puzdzer to be the Labor Secretary. On pro-life values, you just got a soldier killed in a poorly-run raid in Yemen. On Religion, you show up so rarely at church, and your wife didn’t know you’re not supposed to wear a mini-skirt to mass. On individual liberty, what does that even mean? On conservatism, you’re talking about spending billions on a wall. On foreign policy, you want these folks for ambassadors. On Second Amendment, do you think America needs even more guns?
6. Which television source do you primarily get your news from?
All of the above, except for West Palm Beach’s local news since the corporations that own them pretty much abdicated their duties.
7. Do you use a source not listed above?
Yes, GossipExtra.com, of course.
8. Which online source do you use the most?
GossipExtra.com, like everybody else.
9. Do you trust the mainstream media to tell the truth about the Republican Party’s positions and actions?
Yes. The real question is do I trust you or White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer to tell the truth? The answer to that is negatory.
10. Do you believe that the mainstream media does (it should be DO not, Donald. Media is plural) not do their due diligence fact-checking before publishing stories on the Trump administration?
They try to do due diligence but are often stymied by bad information coming from your White House.
11. Do you believe that the media unfairly reported on President Trump’s executive order temporarily restricting people entering our country from nations compromised by radical Islamic terrorism?
No. Do you believe you were actually prepared to roll the ban out in the way you did?
12. Were you aware that a poll was released revealing that a majority of Americans actually supported President Trump’s temporary restriction executive order?
Yes. According to a Morning Consult/Politico poll, 35 percent of Americans strongly support the ban and 20 percent somewhat support it. People who support the way it was introduced: 0.
13. Do you believe that political correctness has created biased news coverage on both illegal immigration and radical Islamic terrorism?
No. Well, sometimes. So?
14. Do you believe that contrary to what the media says, raising taxes does not create jobs?
No opinion. Poorly worded and confusing question. What is should say is: Is giving billionaires cuts on taxes they don’t pay good for America? Answer: No.
15. Do you believe that people of faith have been unfairly characterized by the media?
No. Do you think atheists have been wrongly characterized by Republicans? Besides, if there’s a separation between church and state, why do you give a shit?
16. Do you believe that the media wrongly attributes gun violence to Second Amendment rights?
No. Gun violence is committed by people with guns who shouldn’t have guns.
17. Do you believe that the media has been far too quick to spread false stories about our movement?
No. The media actually showed great patience about your so-called movement. Too much patience. They should’ve started lampooning it two years ago.
18. Do you believe that the media uses slurs rather than facts to attack conservative stances on issues like border control, religious liberties, and ObamaCare?
No. But I know you use slurs to describe people you don’t like. Such as so-called judges, so-called media and fake news. And, the Affordable Care Act is called Affordable Care Act, or ACA, not ObamaCare.
19. Do you believe that the media purposely tries to divide Republicans against each other in order to help elect Democrats?
No. Everyone knows the Republicans are already divided between those who don’t have the balls to criticize you and John McCain, a war hero who’s now a political hero.
20. Do you believe that the media creates false feuds within our Party in order to make us seem divided?
No. See above.
21. Do you believe that the mainstream media has been too eager to jump to conclusions about rumored stories?
Like what? Mike Flynn sucking up to the Russians? I’ll call terrorism “Islamic” when you call your so-called advisors “minions of Vladimir Putin.”
22. Do you believe that if Republicans were obstructing Obama like Democrats are doing to President Trump, the mainstream media would attack Republicans?
Are you serious?
23. Do you agree with the President’s decision to break with tradition by giving lesser known reporters and bloggers the chance to ask the White House Press Secretary questions?
No. It would’ve been a great idea if it weren’t to dodge uncomfortable questions from CNN. But the “lesser known” bloggers invariably start their questions with: “I love Donald Trump, but I want to ask him …”
24. Do you agree with President Trump’s media strategy to cut through the media’s noise and deliver our message straight to the people?
No. The people can get the message straight from you AND you can answer reporter’s questions. Tweeting in the middle of the night isn’t delivering your message straight to the people. It’s just tweeting in the middle of the night, and it’s lowering the White House’s standards to those of a drunk rapper.
25. Do you believe that our Party should spend more time and resources holding the mainstream media accountable?
No. Your party should govern. And the media should report. So please, do your job or resign.